Apocalypse Not Now: A comedic future
by Ek01
Summary: (Part II, original story, written 2018) Bronwyn and LA RESISTANCE embark on a mission to free the President of the Universe from the deadly, brain-controlling Shna'oz alien.
1. Prologue

\--

Where we last left our heroes...

\--

/

~~~"By order of the President Of the Universe,"~~ said a robot.

~~"YOU WILL SURRENDER!!"~~

/

"WHO..." Bronwyn gasped, breathing for air. "THE HECK...ARE

YOU?!"

"Oh, good. It can talk." Said the female. She took off her feathered skull helmet to reveal the face of a woman about 19 or 20 years old. "Hi, I'm Jay. Jay Rakshak."

\--

Beware if you encounter this deadly beast--it's only weakness is light.


	2. Chapter 1: The Hunt

The President of the Universe's

office had finally been reached by

Bronwyn and La Resistance.

Being since it was really, extremely heavily-guarded by a number of futuristic devices, the only way in was through the sewer system.

With the privilege of not having to smell anything bad at all, Bronwyn had the absolute shock of her life.

"AAaare we there yeeettt?!" Whined

Bronwyn, clenching her nose.

"What's a matta?!" Jay laughed. "Never smelled CRAP before?!"

"Noooo..." Bronwyn whined.

"Well, we should be relatively close..." said Sam, studying a map. "The pipe leading to the office should be in the general vicinity."

"YEEAAH!!" Exclaimed Leia, grabbing Karen.

"Gonna SAVE THE WORLD!!" She then grabbed a Polaroid camera and started taking pictures.

"What's with the pics?" Asked Clay. "You could give us away!"

Leia grabbed the picture and shook it.

"Well, EX-CUUUSE ME FOR WANTING TO DOCUMENT OUR FEATS OF VALOR, DOG-MAN!"

"Hey, Jay?" asked Bronwyn. "How'd you become the leader? Did your parents get taken by robots, too?"

"No, kid." Jay kicked a small rock. "Just as my idiot dad got his dumb butt divorced out, he died right in front of me."

"What happened then?"

"I went to live with my mom, then for some stupid reason, she too

was taken from me. She's not dead, the damn hunks of metal incarcerated her 'until further

notice'. Then I met my boyfriend, he got turned into a dog, and here we

are now. Trying to save the Prez for

no real reason."

"He's CORRUPTED!" Said Bronwyn.

"Of course he is," replied Jay, "He's a POLITICIAN!"

"Guys, GUYS!!" Exclaimed Leia. "The, uh, WORLD STILL NEEDS TO BE SAVED!"

"Alright." Said Bronwyn and Jay.

"Now THAT'S the word we were hoping for, let's go!" Exclaimed Karen.

As the troop continues walking, Sam looks at Karen.

"Adults can be really weird." He said, perhaps one of his most non-scientific sounding moments ever.

"You're telling me." Replied Karen.

The kids rounded a few more corners within the pipes, until Leia had to make a pit stop.

"NOBODY LOOK WHILE IM'

WHIZZIN'!" She shouted.

Everyone looked off to the side while the odd girl used the bathroom. They waited, until suddenly, it was unusually quiet.

"You guys go ahead.." said

Bronwyn. "We'll catch up!"

"Sure thing!" Said Clay.

Bronwyn continued to wait.

"Leia?" Called Bronwyn. "You done?"

There was no answer. Just then, a shadow dashed by Bronwyn, who frantically turned on her walkie-talkie.

"JAY!!" She exclaimed. "BRONWYN TO JAY, OVER! DO YOU READ ME?!"

Bronwyn bumped into Jay.

"That was fast." She said.

"Is Leia with you?" Asked Karen.

"Uh..." Bronwyn rubbed her neck.

"YOU LEFT HER FOR DEAD?!" Exclaimed Clay.

"NO!" Replied Bronwyn. "There's--there's--"

In front of them, was an enormous creature that looked very much

like a gray-furred rat, sans the two extra sets of red eyes, and enormous ring around its eye. The rat screeched and charged at the kids.

"RUN!!" Exclaimed Jay.

Everyone scattered. Jay grabbed Bronwyn, but noticed something was amiss. She gasped.

Leia was missing!!

"LEIA!!" Exclaimed Jay. "WHERE ARE YOU?!!"


	3. Chapter 2: A Giant Rat

The rat suddenly jumped in front of the gang, it appeared to have something on its back. The rat sat down with an enormous *"THUD!"*.

Everyone's eyes widened when they

saw Leia jump off, backflip, and land safely on the ground.

"Can we keep him, Jay?" She asked.

"What're you, NUTS?!" Exclaimed

Jay. "That THING could've--"

Clay covered her mouth.

"We can keep it, dear. You're old enough to have a pet, now."

Leia's eyes widened, and so did her mouth.

"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHA-"

"I DON'T wanna hear it!" exclaimed

Clay.

"IMMA CALL HIM PETEY!" Leia exclaimed.

"Say," asked Bronwyn. "Can we ride that thing?"

"Excellent suggestion!" Said

Samuel. "We should be able to!"

\--/-/-

Riding "Petey" was surprisingly easy. He was very much like a horse, except that horses can't exactly climb walls with extreme strength and dexterity, now can they?!

As the kids and young adults rode on top of the rat, Leia showed up

with a ukulele.

"I'm gonna play a song!" She smiled. "I wrote it myself! You wanna hear it?"

"Nope nope nope." Jay struggled to keep her eyes on the road.

"Okay, here it goes!" Leia started to strum.

"My guy don't

got much to say,

He listens to me

all day,

But then he woke

up with such a

fright,

The man that I

loved walked to

me at night,

I told him that it

was okay,

I loved him so

much and then

with a touch,

He whispered to

me "IM' GAY!"

Everyone did not know what to make of what had happened.

"DO YOU LOVE IT?!!" Exclaimed Leia.

"Leia, honey, please I'm trying to

drive." Spoke Jay, trying to remain calm.

Suddenly, our heroes came across a bevy of intergalactic creatures conversing.

————————

A large, muscular alien strides foreword. This alien is blue-skinned, with claws, scales, yellow eyes, and has a snout much like a dinosaur or crocodile. A fish-like tail protrudes from its back. The only clothing this monstrous beast wears is a small loincloth around his waist, he has tattoos all throughout his body like a Maori warrior, and carries an enormous harpoon.

"Kak'dar, my sweet love..." coos a voice. It was coming from a large-breasted anglerfish-woman, who looked so darned ugly that the cutesy voice she had did not suit

her at all.

"Naa'ya'li, my star, my one and only lovely wife...how I missed you so..." Kak'dar embraced his wife, peppering her face with slimy tongue kisses.

"How was conquering the X'naaan'g people of Bna-su?" Naa'ya'li asked, stroking his enormous muscles.

"Those X'naaan'g saw me coming every step of the way..." Kak'dar frowned. "But I bet that conquering these two-legged hairless meat creatures of earth shall be much

better than stupid ol' Bna-su, won't

it my Hrook?"

"Ohhhh, darling..." Naa'ya'li sighed. "This is wonderful...but you never make time for me any more."

"My star," the great fish flexed his muscles. "I will make time for you, always, I just need to conquer earth for our anniversary, and there will not be a second spent without you."

Naa'ya'li frowned as Kak'dar went back to his meeting.

It was decided amongst the company, especially Caa'maa'zot's, a bat-like Fenyavanen, that the invasion of the earth would take

place this upcoming Tuesday, at

coordinates 48.8566 N, 2.3522 E.

————————-

"Oh maaan!!" Exclaimed Leia. "Lookit those killers!! I'm gonna--I'm gonna come up with cool names for them..uh.."

She noticed a large, bat-like

creature.

"...that guy, right there is Z-Dawg, cause he's so rad-lookin'!"

"What about that one?" Asked Karen, pointing to a Tyrannosaurus

Rex-like alien holding a pair of laser-nunchucks.

"That guy's...uh..."The alien roared, shaking everything around him.

"...Rick. Just Rick."

Leia then got excited at an anglerfish-looking woman.

"This chick is "Naptime" cause that's what happens when she

punches your lights out, heh heh..."

"Those creatures.." Clay paused. "I've seen them before."

"Where?" asked Karen.

Clay frowned. He placed a paw to his forehead and sighed.

"I..." he paused once more. "I...made...them."

"So that's it, then.." said Bronwyn. "We're done for."

"Perhaps.." said Samuel. "Given the

fact that these creatures are basically normal earth animals, we could discover a way to remove their developed anthropomorphism!"

"Brilliant, Samuel!" Exclaimed Clay. "I could just KISS you!!"

"Fine..." Samuel leaned his head closer to the man-dog, Clay slurped

his face. "But I don't do beastality."

"They're talking so weird.." said

Bronwyn.

"No, they sound normal to me." Replied Karen.

"So they speak English?" Asked

Bronwyn.

"Well, not exactly.." said Clay. He

pulled out a small vial of liquid and positioned Bronwyn's head on its side. "Hold still..."

Bronwyn chuckled as the liquid went down her ear, and after two seconds, she found the conversation of the aliens to be more comprehensible.

"What is this stuff??" She asked Clay.

"I call it the Rosetta Stone enzyme." Spoke Clay, proudly. "People learn to process their native language when they are born, but this speeds it up much quicker. So now, you can talk to anyone or anything that doesn't speak English, except for

animals."

"Did you ever have this gunk poured down your ear?" Asked Bronwyn.

"Yeah." Said Clay. "I did it to everyone. This was in case zombies started to become more sentient and intelligent...but that was wayy

before you were born!"

Quickly, as they rode around on Petey, Clay started to construct what he called the De- Anthropomorphize Ray. He grabbed a few pipes and wiring, and some bacterial cultures from Petey and Jay, combining an anti-animal man serum. Suddenly, our heroes turned to see that the fish alien had emerged, along with others.

"INTRUDERS, MY LOVE!!" Exclaimed the anglerfish woman.

"Caamaazot's!" Exclaimed Kak'dar.

"KILL THEM!!"

The enormous, literal bat-man alien lunged at the kids and young adults, but Leia leapt into the air, and bit his leg.

"AGGH!!!!" Caamaazot's screeched, loudly. Leia climbed onto his back, preparing to send a punch.

"SORRY, Z-DAWG!!" She exclaimed. "I STILL THINK YOU'RE RAD!!"

Leia raised a fist and socked Caamaazot's in his huge, ugly face, black blood dripping and spilling from his nostrils. His eyes bulged, he screeched and flew away.

"NO YA DON'T!!"

Exclaimed Bronwyn. She held up the De-Anthropomorphize Ray, and blasted the alien. As the dust cleared, a tiny feral bat emerged. "GET THE T-REX YOU GUYS!!"

"Rick" roared and lunged at Karen.

But, he hadn't harmed her in any way, as he slammed against the tiny Asian girl's metal arm.

"HA!!" Exclaimed Karen.

With one blast of the De-Anthropomorphize Ray, the enormous, terrifying T-Rex-like animal had been reduced to a small, adorable little gecko.

By that time, only Clay and Bronwyn had made it to the Shnao'ze's lair. Jay had somehow been taken, and Karen made it after a little while.

"Okay then." Said Bronwyn once they arrived. She opened the door

and cocked her gun. "Perhaps I can

reason with this beast."

Bronwyn closed the door behind her, and slowly walked inside, everyone certainly hoping for a miracle at this crucial moment and life-threatening time.

A miracle that this little girl who never saw the outside world all her life, would make it out alive.


	4. Chapter 3: Fight the Power!

As soon as she entered the room, the hideous beast was there. Its tentacles were in every body hole that the human body had; the ears,

the nostrils, the mouth, the anus, the penis, everywhere there was an opening.

"HEY!" Yelled Bronwyn.

The Shnao'ze approached Bronwyn, looking significantly more

disgusting than he already was. He lay about, his host body's clothes were shredded completely. His

tentacles dragged the President by

whatever holes he had him by, mucus, snot, blood, urine, semen, and puss coming together and making a disgusting body smoothie.

"So...this is how it ends.." said Bronwyn, advancing closer to

the beast with her machine gun. "Drop the Prez, or you get barbecued!"

The Shnao'ze growled and removed its tentacles. It then slunk into the dark.

"...prepare to die.." said Bronwyn as she cocked her gun and set her goggles to heat sensing mode.

Then, she saw the beast, concealed in the dark. It pounced at her, while she pounced back at him, firing

bullets.

"HHHHAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"FIGHT THE POWER!!"

Bronwyn and the Shnao'ze clashed, the beast attempted to suck her fluids, but got one of its tentacles

chopped off by her plasma body-shield. She blasted a hole in the ceiling, and the rays of sun entered the room.

This was of no avail, however, as the Shnao'ze screeched and shoved the girl onto a wall.

"Lemme hear you say

Fight the power

(lemme hear you

say)

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

We've got to fight

the powers that

be!"

Bronwyn stood up, and fired so many shots that she thought the place would explode!

Suddenly, the beast showed up right behind the girl, and wrapped

its tentacle around her leg, yanking on it, and making her trip.

The Shnao'ze removed his tentacle and approached Bronwyn.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FISH!!" Exclaimed Bronwyn.

"Lemme hear

you say

Fight the power

(lemme hear you

say)

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

We've got to fight

the powers that

be!"

Just as the deadly creature was about to reach Bronwyn's ear, she fired a bullet. The Shnao'ze looked terrified as it felt the first beams of sunlight hit his body.

"Got sunscreen?" Bronwyn asked.

As soon as the hole is blasted, the

beast shrivels up, looking very much like a dried carrot.

—--

"...hi." Said Bronwyn, as soon as she emerged.

"About that Shnao'ze...he's.."

Everyone gasped, thinking something bad had happened to the girl.

"Dead." Finished Bronwyn.

Then, they all cheered, hugging

the girl. Suddenly, Petey picked all the humans up, cuddling them with his giant arms.

"Okay...boy!"

Exclaimed Leia.

"You can put us down!" The girl was starting to become choked.

\--

The President of the Universe was taken into intensive care after that, and the Resistance received a few medals of the highest honor.

So the parasite was dead, and Clay...was devastated.

"At least we know where they went!" Said Bronwyn.

"But I hope we find her..." spoke Clay.

"They said she was going to these coordinates.." he handed the document to Sam.

"According to my calculations, that is located in Paris, France." Sam

spoke. "Apparently there is a ship headed directly for it..we can go

there--if we can board it on time and evade the guards."

"We can totally do

that!"

End.

Leia's D.M.R.S(Death Metal Rock Song)

(ear-exploding guitar riff, then drums slowly start)

DELIVERANCE!!!

DISCRIMINATION

!!

HUMAN

TOLERANCE!!

ANNIHILATION!!

THE EARLY BIRD

MAY GET THE

WORM,

BUT REALLY

PLEASE,

DO CONSIDER

THAT THE

SECOND MOUSE,

HE GETS THE

CHEESE!!

HE GETS THE

CHEESE!! (X5)

UPSIDE DOWN,

YOU ARE

TURNING ME!

I AM GIVING

LOVE,

INSTINCTIVELY!

ROUND AND

ROUND,

YOU ARE

TURNING ME!

(Chorus:

IM' SHOUTING!! AT THE TOP!!

OF MY LUNGS!!

ALL ALONG!!

IN THIS DEATH

METAL!!!

ROCK SONG!)

DARKNESS!!

SMOTHERED IN

MORE

DARKNESS!!

DISMEMBERMEN

T!!

I COULD HAVE BEEN A

CONTENDER

THEN!!

THE GHOSTS OF

THE PAST SHALL

RAVISH THE

EARTH!

THEY WILL

COME AND

SWALLOW THE

GIRTH!

WE ARE

DAMNED!

HAVE WE LOST

OUR MINDS?

OR ARE WE BECOMING

INSANE!

OH MY!

WE ARE

DAMNED!!

(Chorus:

IM' SHOUTING!!

AT THE TOP!!

OF MY LUNGS!!

ALL ALONG!!

IN THIS DEATH

METAL!!!

ROCK SONG!)

(Another ear-

splitting rock solo.

Repeat chorus X5.)


End file.
